• StonerDan's Drunken Tale

When: Saturday night
Where: Washington DC
Who: Seven freshmen from American University

So we're off to Northwest DC for an off-campus Delta Gamma party. The
good: Coors Light and no cover. The bad: the girls were hideous. As
for the ugly....

11:26 PM Eastern Standard Time
The line for the bathroom may actually have been hundreds of feet long,
and I clearly needed to find an alternate location so I wouldn't piss
myself. So I head out of some gate (the bulk of the party was in a back
yard) to what I think is the alley. I calmly set down my beer on the
sidewalk and begin scoping out the area for a good place to relieve
myself. I finally find a nice shadowy patch of fence when all of a
sudden this mid-40s-looking guy appears out of nowhere, greeting me with
a less-than-friendly "YO BUDDY -- THIS IS MY YARD." Apologizing, I
slowly start backing away from the angry-looking man and explain that I
didn't think I was on his lawn. That's when he reached for the garden
hose. The fucker nearly got me, too, as I scooped up my beer and ran
top-speed into the alley, through a gate, and back to the party.

12:48 AM Eastern Standard Time
American University doesn't have a football team. No baseball either.
But we do love our beer pong, which is just about as close to a varsity
sport at AU as golf or tennis is. Thus every party at AU must have a
well-built and well-maintained beer pong table. So a couple of my
buddies are on the table and me and my partner are up next, and we're
chilling nearby, waiting for someone to lose so we can jump on. Now,
let me stop here and explain that by this point we were all pretty
tanked, and I was certainly no exception. Furthermore, it is important
for you to know that I have sort of a thing for girls of East Asian
persuasions, particularly Mandarin Chinese and Japanese. So for a while
I'd had my eye on this one rather average looking Asian girl, who
incidentally was walking around the entire night with a large glass of
red wine, and suddenly she comes over to me and we start to talk. After
a minute or so of idle chatting, I ask her where she's from. "I'm from
Austin, Texas," she replies, with a barely noticeable southern twinge to
her second-generation Asian-American accent. Once again let's take a
step back and look at the situation: Everyone's drunk. I love Asian
girls. The girl I've had an eye on all night is talking to me. So
what, you may ask, did I say next? I most certainly unblinkingly and
without hesitation replied, "Really? I've never really liked anybody
from Texas!" Fuck.

2:10 AM Eastern Standard Time
This is one of those parties that would be miserably boring if we
weren't so plastered. Following at least a half-dozen games of beer
pong, one of the older Delta Gamma sisters comes back to inform the
seven of us -- the only people left in the yard -- that the cops are out
front and we need to leave. So we book it out the back gate into the
alley, and after about 20 yards two of the guys we're with stop to
urinate on a neighbor's garage. The rest of us keep going about 30 more
yards, when I turn around to see two Metropolitan Police squad cars pull
up next to my preoccupied buddies. Let me tell you something about DC
cops: they look more like soldiers than police officers. The District
of Columbia, your nation's capitol, was also once the murder capitol of
the U.S. (now second only to Gary, Indiana). This city of 600,000
residents is 80% black and almost half live below the poverty line. It
is literally a war zone, and the cops here are not the white, balding,
fatass officers you'd find in the suburbs. And here my two short,
white, rich, New England-born, private-school friends are alone in the
alley with two gigantic, black, heavily armed police officers wearing
tactical gear. The cops want cash. $25 each, to be exact. My friends
comply, and no tickets are issued, no reports are filed, and they're on
their way with twenty-five fewer dollars to buy cocaine with. I
wouldn't call it a police officer asking for a bribe....... Or actually
I guess I would.



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