2/13/07 -


This weeks anger is directed at people driving on expressways when I'm driving on the expressway. Heres the thing, on the expressway you don't need to use your brakes unless you're exiting on to a ramp, theres an accident (that intereferes with traffic not on the side of the road, STOP GAWKING, YOU DON'T KNOW THE PERSON), or its horrible horrible weather. Even in bad weather, I suggest the following, just let off the gas. You don't need to brake. You just need to let off the gas and slow down a little bit. Don't speed up to the slowing down car and then slam on your brakes YOU HALF WIT.


I can't say I really live in a world with many regrets, I suppose I believe in missed opportunities but thats neither here nor there. I got to thinking about high school and I thought that if I was nearly as creative as I was today I would probably have had a lot more fun. Not that high school wasn't fun, but thinking back it could have been more fun with a few scams here and there and some general ridiculousness.

A little background, I grew up in Illinois. A state which mandates that students attend gym everyday for their entire time at school. The only way to get out of gym was to either give the principal a blowjob (to get a pass) or to be injured. I had some legitimate things wrong with me but in general I was a healthy guy. So what I would I do if I could go back ...

fake PE notes!

Imagine a real looking note that said something along the lines of

-"smelkem can not participate in gym for three weeks because he is recovering from an abortion" - now abortion isn't funny, well most of the time ist not, but imagine a male student trying to use that note. A straight face and possible success, hilarious.

replace abortion with anything: labotomy, circumcision, testicular cancer (tom green special inspired), pretty much anything else.

Now maybe I'm under-estimating the gym coaches ... unlikely. Its not that I think they're dumb, its that I know they're dumb. Who wears short shorts in the middle of winter? Point and case.


Another tribute to the 80's and its awesomeness ... I can't say I wasn't thinking of the south park episode where Jared had aides the entire episode, now that was just funny.

On another note, this might be common sense to most but the Dakota Fanning rape scene in the upcoming film Hounddog, is not great material when talking to a random girl at a bar, just a tip. Well more of an experiment on my part, a failed experiment. But I did properly use the scientifc method; my hypothesis was that girls would be turned on by talking about the rape of a young celebrity. I could not find any evidence to support this hypothesis. Oh well

1/27/07 ~ People complain that its difficult to buy gifts for me BUT ...

I would gladly take this, it would be one of the best gifts I ever got. No seriously, how amazing would this ride be ... it really is for sale.


I made an important decision today. If I ever have triplet daughters, I'm naming them Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria. Anybody who questions the names, I will simply challenge their allegiance to the United States? You hate the names, so you hate Columbus, so you hate the Americas?

An auxiliary benefit to this is that every year I can just get them model ships. BAM!


I was reading and listening to this article about Verizon Wireless and .002 cents v .002 dollars. The problem is that this story did not seem very outlandish, well to me, I don't even think its uncommon. Don't worry I have a story!

So way back when I got my first job. I was 15 or so and I went down to the local quiznos and landed a gig working the counter. My dad was constantly preaching to me to write down my hours every night and keep track of them to compare to my check. I of course thought he was crazy but the fear of getting ripped off at my $5.50 / hr job was enough to have me create an excel file. I even password protected that excel file, god forbid someone found out my earnings at the age of 15.

At one point the time clock went on the fritz and we began to write in our hours on the time card. I wasn't bold enough to scam anyone, in fact I bet way back then I even rounded down sometimes to be "fair". My boss was alright, she was the owner's daughter so naturally she was the most qualified person in the world to be a manager.

A few weeks go by, and I notice that a few hours are missing. I question my boss and she says she must have phoned in the wrong number, and adjusts my next check. The next check had about the same schedule, but the number of hours was still off. So I looked at the numbers, and I actually figured out what was going wrong. For every quarter hour I marked down (4:15), I was getting paid .15 hours. The same was true for half an hour being .30 and forty five minutes as .45. This all looked right to her.


I was getting screwed, I mean often times I left after 45 minutes in an hour, for maybe three days a week (.75-.45) * 3 = .9 *2 (two week pay period)= 1.8 * 5.75 = $10.35. Nobody steals $10 from me. Eventually I tried to explain this to my boss, that there was a different. She said something to the effect of "I don't have time to listen to this!" (I brought it up during a slow saturday afternoon). She told me to start totaling my hours at the bottom and she would check the number, naturally there were no more disagreements.

I drew her the above picture and tried to show why they were different, I mean I learned fractions in 3rd grade, I didn't need her explaining how her laziness with units was costing me hard earned cash. Unacceptable. This was also my first "I'M RIGHT YOU'RE WRONG MOMENT WITH A BOSS" -certainly not the last.

12/26/06 ~ Creepier than the Facebook

You might think this involves some kind of camera that follows your ever waking moment ... well not quite. Enter ...

Now I don't find dating sites in themselves creepy. Its just people trying to find someone special, I don't even find social networking sites to be that creepy, because participation is voluntary.

The thing about shaadi.com is that you can make a profile for someone else, not only can you, its encouraged!

So In theory, you can make a profile for just about everyone you know. Maybe I just don't understand other cultures ... but wow ... this creeps me out! (This isn't just one creepy option I noticed, the majority of profiles are NOT created by the person described in the profile). I'm going to look around a little bit more and hopefully uncover even more crazy options.on

This community was submitted to me by Mr. Hemant Mehta

12/25/06 - WII

About a week ago I bout myself a Wii. I'm not really sure why but it seemed fun, and it definitely is. Well when you're playing wii sports you have to have a character. The character can also have a mini sims style life but for the most part I use him playing sports.

His name is Jimmy. I don't know why, it just seemed to fit. I tried Karl, the Hot Karl, then Jimmy sort of fell into place. Jimmy and I share a similar haircut. Jimmy has angry eyes, angry eyebrows, and an angry moustache. He's pretty angry. Jimmy is very tall. Jimmy loves his purple shirt, he loves bright colors.


Well, it only took two years but I finally achieved one of my smelkem.com goals. Two years ago this month, I finally found one. The thing about this football is that earlier in my life it was mine, it lived in my room. It was passed through my family, and eventually everyone outgrew it ... well everyone but me.


Now I just have to work on the restoration process, some white tape and a new fisher price logo. When asked why I wanted it, all I responded with was "I have a thousand places I could put it".

11/5/06 ~ My Biggest Fears

Lots of times when you hear a list of the most common fears they're things that really shouldn't scare you. I mean Public Speaking ... come on what's the worst that can happen? Dying ... to me its a part of life and even if I could prevent it I wouldn't, we all have to go sometime. So instead I compiled a list of the things that really do scare me:

1. Eternally Wet Socks

I'm pretty sure if there is a hell, I'll end up there. If God has anywhere near the powers of Santa Claus ... I don't know if I have a shot without devoting the remainder of my life to god. So in most Hell depictions its regular life and something is just slightly off ... well for me that would be ETERNALLY WET SOCKS. Every time I'll put in a new pair it will start raining out or I'll have to ride a water ride ... and BAM my socks are wet again ... pretty much forever and that would be torture to me.

2. Spontaneous Combustion

I've always said there are probably 100 better ways to die than burning. And I'm not entirely convinced stop-drop-&-roll could stop it either.

3. Deformed Children

This goes back to my does God know as much as Santa Claus question. If he does, take pit on my children. I mean me and my roommate invented and play a drinking game based on Little People Big World, you drink every time something is presented as a challenge to a little person. Its a fun game but you end up laughing a lot and getting reasonably wasted. (Apparently their pumpkin launcher broke this week and hurt two people, they're ok now, but youtube has failed to produce a video of this event)

Honorable Mentions;

Quick Sand (I know this was mythbusted, still scares me), Betty White


10/29/06 ~ a simple lesson

So after my shower this morning I followed my usual routine, and I realized that I had probably made a big mistake. It wasn't last night's costume or the amazing amount of green makeup I used, it was the fact that I had tried to make my ears green ... don't put make up in your ears. That's life advice, write it down.

I also learned that any college age male, has to respond with "sure" or the like when posed with the question " want to see something gross?". maybe not even college age, maybe general man law.

10/22/06 ~ Halloween Group Ideas

1. One thing we can all agree on is that the music from the 80's was simply a gift from god. Well probably not ... but dressing up like an 80's supergroup such as WHAM! or ASIA - how could that not be awesome, especially if you got to sing "Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go" or "Heat of the Moment"

2. My friend, old man, was trying to arrange a nice Wizard of Oz set ... Sure that's a classic ... but why not the Wiz. We're not african american like the original cast but I mean that makes it more fun ... right?

3. The Justice League ~ this is mostly inspired by our justice league punching bag ... well and the justice league rocks. The green guy is the martian manhunter, in case you were wondering.

10/17/06 ~ Halloween Costume Ideas - Solo / Pair

So this year I had a few costume ideas that would have been great solo or with a cast mate. These are my scrap ideas ... but they were all serious at one point.

1. Yogi Bear as mentioned below. This plays right into my hand because well I love saying goofy things. At the same time, I could carry around a picnic basket on halloween with beers and assorted beverages. Having a picnic basket would have been awesome! Sidekicks could have included Boo-Boo and the Park Ranger, but not takers on those.

2. Oscar Goldman, so maybe I've seen the 40 year old virgin one too many times but yeah ... along with an Oscar Goldman (6 Million Dollar Man) ... the costume could have been good. Maybe people wouldn't get it at first but Oscar Goldman was a pimp. There are some parallels there ... Click It if you want to learn more about him.

3. The Fridge from Bud Light Commercials. Again I get to have beer with me all night, and I'm for that, but there are logistical problems with peeing and going through doors while in a giant fridge. Also I feel like one bad fall / tackle and the costume is ruined forever.

10/16/06 ~ Yogi

So this isn't usually my style but this is just a family guy clip. In fact it was probably my favorite family guy clip since the show came back. You can ask my roommate, he estimates I laughed for four minutes at it. 

I also wanted to try the embed code from youtube before it gets googlized. This almost inspired my next halloween costume, but more on that when I reveal my potential costume ideas.

10/15/06 ~ The Challenge

If you've been by my apartment this year ... I've probably casually challenged you to jump from my balcony onto the grassy knoll across the way. The challenge usually comes after a few drinks when I feel like someone might be just drunk enough to try it. I wanted to look at the reality of this jump so I made the following diagram in photoshop.

So the jump itself is about 8 feet from going over the rail to the grassy knoll across the way. There are plenty of soft rocks to break any falls .I don't plan on letting anyone take this jump under a challenge by me. Infarct I propose that you read the disclaimer before any jackass stunt and realize its probably not a good idea, then again you probably don't have any balls.


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