4/18/06 ~ as you might know I love pranks ... and I'm tempted to try this one.


Click It

4/12/06 - so you don't trust your woman ...

So everybody has that paranoid friend (or perhaps its you) that never really trusts the girl in their life ... well worry no more!

Click It

So I realize its a joke, but I find it extremely hilarious that I would guarantee theres a market for this type of thing, and I don't mean for various spying agencies, I mean for the truly paranoid. I can just imagine a divorce hearing "Your honor she cheated on me, I have the following data" ... " I swear I was just at the gym / nude beach / fitting room / bathroom / glory hole" .... Look forward to the posting of my final april fools pictures, I just can't find my camera.

4/11/06 ~ the facebook continues to scare me ...

So I can't imagine after now like a year and a half of the facebook I can still get creeped out by it. I thought it had hit the peak when they let you upload all of your personal photos, or when you could explain how you know somebody. Well they recently changed it so that instead of just saying " hey this person updated their profile" it adds "XXX minutes ago ..." I'd like to say this was just the day ... but no, it goes down to the second. Now I happened to login in approximately 42 seconds after Chris Paul (of wake forest and now N.O. Hornets and ROY fame ....) had updated his profile and really come on, I have to know the number of SECONDS after he decided to add one little thing to his profile ... but hey we both like Flavor of Love, so that means we're really friends I'm not just a weirdo.

4/2/06 ~ Greg Gumbel - Mr. Paperclip

This video on the CBS website totally creeps me out and reminds me of the Little Mr. paperclip dude that you always have to turn off when you use MS Office. The thing is the video follows you around the webpage and it has a clear background so it doesn't really obstruct but its much more like a mini greg gumbel clone watching you.

Mr. Gumbel isn't showing up any more but he came from here: click it


I'm a bad person.

this story could go a lot of ways. well not too many really but yeah ... so today I started april fools season. Why you ask? Because pranking someone on a saturday is really really hard when you don't know their schedule or have accurate time for operation. You may wonder why this is important? Well in high school all the football shirts always said go big or go home. I never understood how this really applied to football but I can use it in so many other facets of life; for example pranks. The planning began in December, when I noticed these large bags of packing peanuts, and I thought to myself, I wonder where they go. Well I slowly started hiding them in the attic at work. Earlier this week I moved approximately 5 bags (or 300 some gallons of packing peanuts). I had an opportunity to break into my friend's apartment (3 roommates and I had one of the keys ). So today I arranged to use 50 minutes to set up my friends room and dump all of the packing peanuts to fill his room. I got efinitely about two and a half maybe three feet high (the bed is a poor reference because I was not aiming to get any over ther really).... and here's the photo of my havoc.

I decided to do the right thing, and I helped clean them up but wow I laughed really hard!

2/2/06 ~ high school girls and the beach aka myrtle beach ... aka spring break '06. Plans are in the process of being made and moving along rather nicely. one free dinner is on the table but it comes with one of the most awkward costs around, a grandparents meeting. El Jim-A-Dor is going to be one of the extra roommates and we're getting a deal. That being said and excited 1/28/06 ~ Whoring yourself out to god .... So usually you see links on CNN about random little things. Its someone selling their virginity, a date, a go around in the backseat of an el camino ... or its a truly original idea like the Million Dollar Homepage. So now it happens that I know one of these nutjobs trying to make a quick buck by doing something wacky ... his name is Hemant. To be honest I'd be surprised if this made it all the way to CLTV ... thats about as much press as I seem him getting. But regardless, its a funnny idea. Will he really do it, I think he will. Do I think its a good idea ... sort of ... but clearly we've seen better (I even used to have better).


12/21/05 ~ I have to stop taking a month off at a time ... So one of those things that's embarrassing to explain but rather enjoyable. About a year ago, my friends and I ran an experiment similar to this one. We noticed a solid improvement in the taste of the vodka. I should state we did not turn Skol into Grey Goose but we noticed marked improvement. I tried to explain this to a psuedo family member (you know those people your cousin brings to a wedding who you were either too drunk to remember or aren't worth remembering since you won't ever see them again .... yeah). So I basically explained the process and the goal, this kid did not understand and man he looked on me like I was trying to get high off fumes from the back of my car. Yeah fuck you and your art college, Vodka isn't my drink of choice any night ... and it won't be but this provides an cheap, effective solution. In other news, I miss the man show boy ... pure comic genius.

11/12/05 ~ MYOB!I don't know what MYOB is or what it does, but I think I need it. Look it cleans your room, adjusts the camera filter for better color, fixes your tie, stops stupid whores from pointing at you and so forth but really Christmas is coming up and I want an MYOB under my tree or in my stocking or wherever it fits!

Sometimes you have to look at your spam and just enjoy it ...

11/7/05 ~ Marginal Propensity to Hug (MPH) This one is obvious and the term was coined by dR but I don't know if its had a term attached to it. This is a statistical number to quantify how often you'll be hugged by a drunk girl. From direct observations there are several factors that influence the Marginal Propensity to Hug ...

  • The Girl's Level of attractedness to you# of drinks consumedSpecial OccasionLocation of applicable boyfriend or "some dude" (Is he next to her, upstairs, or out of the picture); it mattersHow long have you known the girl ?
  • How often do you get sober hugs?

So how does this apply, Well a girl (single) on her birthday with a guy she's interested will basically give between 22 and 600 hugs in a given night. It also helps when you comment about a girl around said boyfriend, she was wasted and had a high MPH.

11/3/05 ~ Halloween in Review - '05I was not able to celebrate halloween on the actual night due to crappy rain and an exam the next day. I didn't let these two facts ruin my weekend though. I don't have an awesome top 5 list of costumes I saw. People were entertaining but not awesome this year. I bought a Burger King mask, it was veeery creepy. I couldn't find a good king garb at any local stores, so I decided I would update the look and do some black on black on black, and it would still maintain its creepiness. So there were three reactions to my costume, "Let me wear that", " OMG that's so creepy" ( runs away or tries to take it off me), or "That's pretty cool." It was a strong varied mix of all three comments but still an awesome weekend with tons of pictures with random people. The freakiest part ... my eyes lined up perfectly.

Usually I have to leer at someone, and say something really mean or offensive to harass them, but this weekend, just a stare ...

11/2/05 - College Project ~ The Ice Cream Glove! So one of my friends , JimJohn, created a power point for one of his classes that he was still enrolled in, he had no intent of getting a great grade but made a power point that I find simply hilarious. I'm in a marketing class right now, and the use of Vocab is excellent.

Link"Stickiness has been proven to lead to dementia, insomnia, shenanigans, death, and in the most extreme cases —impotence"

10/27/05 DUh duh Duh duuuuuh3. Pez Dispensar - I work with plenty of large boxes and this could have been feasible, but what was the head going to be and how would the logistics work. I never figured them out and hence this one never happened. Funny side story, Fat Graham from freshman year of college collected and posted his collection of Pez to internet sites, he was so proud of it and thought it was soooo cool.2. Peter Griffin, this would have been hilarious but I don't speak new england or have any green pants.1. Corey Patterson - I'm not black, I'm not short, but I can sure as hell bat like .187 even against major league pitching and do really really shitty .... Well the real costume must be viewed in person and it will be plenty creepy. Please trust me on the creepiness, when you see me you'll be like who's that guy, he might rape me ahhhh. I will have pictures to post ... creeeeeepy 10/26/05 - Numbers 4-7 7. Static Electricity - Inspired by this guy. It was quite the dream but imagine the shock I'd be able to give to random people at a party, I could probably make foam dance, hair stick up and plenty of other cool stuff .... zzzzzapp6. Guy with a trench coat and fake penis hanging out, definitely stolen from last years party but it was so damn good it had to live on.5. Reptar - The Oldest Man I know recommended this one, I just didn't know how to make it feasible and all the costumes on the internet were child sized ... ok that five was there so I made him number 5.

4. Angel - ok I was never being an angel, but I never pass up a chance to rub in a certain anniversary ... sigma pi pledge dance soon, I can only hope. 10/26/05 - Halloween Costume Ideas I passed on or realized were not possible. I kind of wanted to do something completely awesome for Halloween so I had to go through about as many ideas that might work for me, there will probably be about ten total over the next few days, if you have to suffer through living with me, or talking to me on aim all to often you've heard some or most but lets recap ...10. RANCH .... the ranch tooth, I still may build a ranch tooth but as a costume it would be pretty bulky and hard to build / maintain ... but come on if the only thing I could say was RANCH >>> and go to arbys

9. Casmir Pulaski ... I'm proud of my Chicago/ Polish roots ... I don't think I could handle as much vodka as I would have rightly been presented at throughout the weekend.8. thefacebook ... I had no logistical plan for this one, but what's the one thing that has tons of hot girls BUT IS STILL PLENTY CREEPY... yeah would fit me good.

9/20/05- the bar is complete pictures to follow, maybe tomorrow ... so today I was searching for a career, I truly don't enjoy the career fair format, but there is one thing I like tables and tables full of free stuff. Sure there was some good free stuff, but I gravitated towards the strange

so you've got to be thinking what I first thought, how is BP Amoco handing out a sex toy at a public career fair .... I mean it makes so much sense, the top is for the skinny chicks and the bottom for the other varieties .... right? maybe you freeze it? Then I realized its not glass or even that kinky ... I'm a sick fuck, its a paperweight I believe, and a conversation piece ... still not sure its not a sex toy.ps. google is going to LOVE this one ... 9/4/05 - you know that guy who punches shit when he's angry ... well sometimes you hit something that's a bit too hard, and then you break your hand, and then because you're a badass you ignore the injury for a bit, or all summer. You get home and go damn, this still sorta hurts and go to the doctor and are forced into surgery. so being angry produces nails in your hand and these badass x-rays.

8/12/05- I've got less than 24 hours to become a teenage father, thats if I believe that life begins at coneption. Can I do it? Maybe, Will I do it? No thats retarded.Summer went well, but I thought to review the accomplishments I had planned I'd take the clíche list from aim profile and critique it:

Keith's Summer Things to Do- Go Skydiving (August/ September, It has to be on any summer clíche list because it sounds to doable and cool)
- Read a book a week (if I finish one book all summer, that would cover this accomplishment in my eye, I was hopeful for this one)
- Develop and exploit an Options Anomalies strategy, and keep it secret (correlates slightly to the above)
-Diversify my iPod (Again ... not really and its full, I added more of my music and nothing new)
- Build my slush fund for investment purposes (I got some slush fund, but the more I learn the more I realize I've got tons to learn, and the cooks at work all want me to manage their money, whats a peso worth these days)
- Avoid the Clap (check)
- Have a bad experience with tequila (it'll have to be fall)
- Research techniques and ideas for the bar (check out the photo, Jesus does awesome work with cardboard, what can I say)

- Kick ass at my job, and find another so its my last summer there (check, wasn't even hard)
- Name my apartment for next fall, homosexual names and connotations need not apply (I named the go kart well, I will have to be inspired when we get there ~ 1 week)
- Figure out which booze I will stock my bar with (got this down more or less and acquired some interesting things Grant's and Cutty Sark will start me off well)
- Find something to volunteer at, something I care about - ok there's like 5 to 1 this won't happen ( HAHAHAHAHAAAA, I was so idealistic and stupid, still possible in the fall)
- Avoid the Clap
- Do some work on smelkem.com or at least update it (should have done more ...lots more I mean I only updated a few times but man I still love this project)
- Take a sabbatical from thefacebook (I don't think I did this ...good ol' creepy facebook)
- Take a word that existed solely in the 30's and use it once a day (still researching old top)

Top Candidates-Shut yer yap, or I'll box yer ears.-will you get off yer high horse?-I got a gal who's a real peach - a corker, I tell ya.

-That'd be the cat's pajamas. (I think this is it, how can it not be?)

- regain lost talents (does wearing shorts count? this is more one of those things i wrote to cover all the things i knew I'd do but didn't write down, i'll give it a check)

7/13/05 - oooohh yeah glasswaremy familyis excellent and finding strange things via relatives or in the basement or however they do it for very very cheap. so since i've been in college, I mention a few things at the beginning of the summer that I want for next year and I'll either ebay them or buy retail if I can't find a cool in house / cheap version. Well this summer my list included some kickass glassware for our bar and a little tykes football. The football has yet to be acquired but the glassware is coming along so nicely. One specific piece of glassware was a decanter, a decanter is like a crystal bottle you put booze in ... very classy. Anyway my family found me an awesome set.

The two decanters have like dog tags ... one says SCOTCH ... which has to be one of my favorite drinks. The other says Bourban, you'd think with a roommate from kentucky we'd have to put bourban in it ... but I will lean towards some filtered vodka ... nothing says classy like filtered vodka in your decanter. the set came with 6 glasses (of 8 original) and an sweet stand ... score!

7/12/05 - kentucky againwell i'm from the north ... but I have a friend from the american south aka kentucky and this weekend we packed up a jetta and drove down there. I'm about 6"1ish ... backseat of a jetta was not the most comfortable place but it wasn't that bad either. traffic leaving chicago was horrible as always but we survived and hit the road. Early on I noticed that the door had no switch to unlock the doors ... you had to open the door handle once to unlock it and once to open it. For the rest of the trip like a obsessive compulsive weirdo, I would chant one ... two as I opened it ... it turned into a fun game. On the way down we stopped in Purdue and has a burger at triple XXX, a traditional purdue establishment but it was just a burger to me without a really hot waitress and I bussed my own dishes. The trip continued and went slurping well. We played a game unlocking the door while going 90 and scaring the others into thinking a door was going to fly open. we eventually got some balls and started opening the doors and opening each other's doors ... I don't know what it was fun but what a good time. we got to kentucky, much like last year it was hot. This time it was dinner and the pool. We had these hot dogs that were labeled "old people franks" or something like that ... I kept calling them people dogs for the rest of the trip, i could go for a people dog tomorrow. We went swimming a ton and enjoyed the hot weather. At some point they started talking about chubby bunny, I did not know what this was but minutes later I was stuffing marshmallows into my mouth and mumbling "chubby bunny." We went to the epicenter of Louisville aka Churchill Downs, I've only seen a handful of horse races and the first few were pretty good but I've got an attention span like a small child. the drive home was also exciting, don't get me wrong the trip was good and fun but the rides home were silly and interesting to me. we kept playing the one - two game and expanded it, it was fun. I can't explain it. So we stopped for Slurpee at some point ... and there was a total Milf there ... I noticed that she had some wet stains on the front of her shirt but I wasn't sure if my friends had seen them ... they did. After the slurpees we see a car with three girls, and they pull up next to us and they're pretty cute. So we keep driving and trade lead positions for a while and for a while it was something to keep us entertained. Then they start making signs for us, "Chicago?" we signal yes, and the next sign was a phone number, which was impossible to read but we got it down and give them a call. The call was pretty hilarious when we realize the aren't from america ... Ukraine and Lithuania with heavy accents. My friend rick responded, "oh the mighty ukraine," the girl did not get the joke but I was laughing. One of them was named anastasia, I called the blonde one Stolichnaya. Chasing them halfway home made the trip entertaining but they're gone now and all we have is that number. kentucky was just as I remember it, and its never gonna change. got some more sweet glassware for tomorrow ... big pimpin.7/4/05So on my summer to do list is both "develop plans for our bar" and figure out how to stock the bar. This leaves a gray area ... are we stocking glasses, well irregardless I've got some interesting glasses and I will take any suggestions for drinks to match the glasses.First up is a relic ... a relic of a time long ago ... a "lo -ball"

6/23/05Yesterday me and my friends went to the cubs brewers game and it was fun until the second inning when the brewers scored 8 runs on el caballo and the game was essentially over ... we had just arrived because tailgating had taken longer and more matches than expected. Well towards the 8th or 9th we decided to take a walk around and snap some photos but I had a better agenda. seduce the fox sports net camera girl ... I was on my way as you can see I already accomplished the most difficult part of any seduction. I got her shoes off ..giggity giggity. The shot is blurry because I realized the flash was on and they might all look over and the one small guy was already sorta looking at me. I got cock blocked by the small dude at the next step: headphones.

5/23/05 Sometimes those around amaze me, other times they entertain me. My sister casually asks me the other day, do you know how to take my iPod out of Japanese. She's had it for probably 4 months now and I'll guess 3.5 of it have been spent in Japanese. I asked her "well how did you find a song" her response "it was always a surprise really". I really don't understand how someone lives with that kind of thing. But yeah, I laughed, and fixed it, by putting it in spanish. I'm so nice. Even this iPod from the Japanese site isn't in Japanese.

5/21/05 - Planes, Automobiles, and ...TrainsThis morning on my dad's way to work he spilled his coffee in his car. He pulls over and cleans it up, then he notices a box on the side of the road. Its a bit damp but he opens it up and discards the outer shell, Inside a perfect strafoam container with a model train. Now I know nothing of model trains but my dad brings it home and in an Antiques Roadshow fashion, I look up the model number on eBay, this sucker is worth $400 retail, $200 on eBay. I'll go ahead an guess it fell off a truck, mob style. Irregardless, this falls under the AWESOME FREE STUFF category, and everybody should understand my passion for free stuff, especially when it's free.

Other Current Projects: Bar Design - May tile the top, if the tiles are cool enoughBar Name - it needs to have a name after we build the bar for our apartment, like Lucy did!Building a team of ringers to defeat the company softball team, Darrrrrrrrryl!


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