4/18/04 ~ Building a model

Well on an oldfashioned Saturday, I built a model of a windmill for a project about wind power. I spent a few hours assembling the 141 piece beast and the only tricky part was the top where my fingers weren't quite small enough for. You'd think in a Nuclear, Plasma and Radiological Egineering Class, we'd be going a bit beyond explaining the dynamics of wind powers and we do, but I tend to keep my topics simple ... also apparently it does not love me as much as I love it, I was bit making sure all the screws were "tight as fuck" , and incase your wondering yes, the box has both an old toy and basement odor to it, but it pleasantly masks other odors in my room

4/15/04 ~ Yes, Mr. Kutcher, this is Smelkem.com ...

And we here are ready for our chance to punk people on national TV. I'm probably being all too cocky with this but as a group, my buddies ran one of the best pranks i've ever seen or heard in recent weeks. I'm the type of guy who suggests things 24 hours a day and usually one or two of these ideas actually go into motion .... well like teenagers havin' their first bout of unprotected sex, this one got through and heres the story ...

On April Fools of 2004, one of my friends was drinking from this absolut bottle he purchased at the Duty-Free shop on his way home from the Cayman Islands (this is when your supposed to feel sorry for him). Well he was having a drink or two and brought the handle in the room where we were hanging out. We assumed he was mixing most of what he was drinking and then he left to go talk baseball with some other guys, being the brilliant mind I am, I suggested we switch the vodka with water and wait to see how long it takes ..... no one disagreed and thus began the switch out ... two weeks later he pours a birthday shot, (we talked to the other kid) but he (vodka owner) was not confused .... and then he blew up, I ran and hid because I'm a lighting rod for blame (this is not undeserved)... he's better now but at the moment he was screaming, defending his honor and making a scene ... oh the hilarity , lets debit Pranks Receivable ... wait is this an asset or a liability or equity

While some see them as the crazy ones,
   we see genius.

Because the people who are crazy enough to think
they can change the world, are the ones who do.

4/14/04 ~ and then there was nine

This weekend I officially had my freshman year injury and sadly it involved my pinky finger. I got in an argument and tried to hold some guys door open and he came at it full force, my pinky ran right into the door and boom, my fingernail was detached, I don't have any photos of the actually pinky nail still floating above on a bed of blood (Damnit!) .... a few observations, pictures to be added later

  • My finger can no longer "fing"
  • I'm going to need someone new to goto the market for me
  • I might be able to tell a shocking story about an extreme thumb war that went just a little too far
  • I was so sober I felt pain, never a good sign

SMELKEM.COM ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Last April, a new website was founded... with the idea of taking things that I found funny and posting them online ... not quite original but I love it anyway. One of my close personal friends suggested an anniversary piece and I immediately jumped on the idea. I began to think what does everyone love ... the answer came to me several minutes later .... PORN! (No pun intended of course) ... well after several of my friends had wild spring break adventures, they sent me every single wild spring break shot the acquired ... they're young, they're hot and they may not even be legal so take a peak ...

For My Fans!

3/30/04

Today's piece is a special contribution to Smelkem.com written by the websites deisgner, everyones favorite ... stonerdan. Enjoy the mystical drunken night and police enkounters (thats on purpose)....

Full Story

3/25/04 ~ to top off an excellent day ...

I don't usually report entertainment news but this seems noteworthy...after a few months of negotiations the Family Guy will return ..... including new clothes for Stewie

Full USAtoday Article

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3/22/04

Today I went shopping for shirts and happened to find the newest crop of semi offensive a&f shirts ... I would have picked up a few but wait ... i'm not a t-shirt kind of guy and i'm not 15 anymore

1. 2. 3.

1. Offending people in West Virginia

2. Offending ugly people

3. Offending everyones favorite can ... wait I mean, no I mean can

3/20/04

Well, usually when you come home from college for spring break you expect things to be more or less the same. I came home and it was pretty much the same except the best new addition since I was born. Its a meat slicer! Now you may be thinking hey this was an episode of Seinfeld and thats true but wait it really kicks ass. You'll notice that some parts look kind of old, but the parts that matter like the blade and parts that are in contact with the meat are perfectly clean ... I'm so excited, i've already have cornbeef cut up imagine the rest of the possilbilites .... mmm.....

For those wondering where the u(nu)sual basemenat crap is here your chance to use all those hours spent find waldo to indentify the following weird crap, 1. Old Umpire Gear 2. Old Wrestling Shoes 3. Random Easil 4. High Chair from when I was a kid 5. Folding Table 6. Old Card Table and 7. the fruit liquifier delie that makes applesauce i think ... but don't quote me

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3/16/04

Heres an odd item for a mellow St. Patricks Day, a new urinal in New York is well odd, future additions will have hair you can play with while you use it ...

3/6/04

Content is hard to come by but I may do a few rants in the near future. Well todays piece comes from a college student who did what the average person only dreams of or shrugs off.... he claims he messed around on one of his midterms by writing and turning in the following answers ... if i were to guess he probably found an extra copy and filled it in and someone else go nuts on it but its a funny read. Just remember that "god made him that way" ....

Midterms!

Similar situations that I recall;

1. One of my friends, StonerDan, wrote that Swedish fish were a primary export of sweden .... i think he nearly got credit

2. When crazy old Mr. P wrote on a physical science test " I don't know what you did or how to grade it (-20)"

 

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2/19/04

Well, many us remember beloved cartoon characters of our childhood but do you remember the third tier ancillary characters that were meant to keep a bland show interesting? Enter the Great Gazoo...

He was on the Flintstones for several years and was Fred and Barney's "Secret Friend" all in all a good character and with that snazzy apparel how can he not be cool. Well heres the tshirt I ordered ( no not really) and the image thats the source for my new buddy icon. Long Live Gazoo!

2/18/04

Awesome Puzzle, I'm done ~ look for Smelkem.com in the winners list , it only took my thousand monkeys two hours, and I only grilled two of the monkeys to gain their superpowers ... well not really but they look so good.

Puzzle!

2/13/04

For all the disbelievers ...

Today I reached apex of my lifetime achievements as beer bonged a coke. At a recent lunch discussion someone mentioned it , and I of course said thats easy ... sure I was being cocky but I knew I could do it and today I did. Probably not as fast as I would have liked but theres always tomorrow, if only sugarhighs weren't such bullshit ...

 

2/7/04 ~ So its 2004...

and for the last week my room has had sort of smelled liek garbage. I had assumed this was my roomates BO so I sprayed the room with febreeze and it temporarily went away. Well it came back and a little bit stronger so I started to look towards the corner of our room with the fridge and food and then boom I found rotting garbage, I'm so pissed this is not fucking 1904.

2/6/04 ~ A Can Named Jill

Well, its a sad state of affairs when I have to tell this story, but theres this girl, and a reason why her name is on the can below. One is that she rarely invokes in any type of conversation with anyone and the second is what I'm diagnosing as Jessica Simpson Syndrome ....anyway this inanimate object represents a persons personality because it doesn't say, do or contribute anything....

 

1/21/04

Heres my new laundry bag. I picked it up at a surplus store and the official measurements were 30"x50". I'm already beginning a list of other uses for this bag: I can steal christmas, create an amber alert, ship off to Viet Nam, or smuggle people into America.

1/18/04

Normally Smelkem.com doesn't focus on abnormal fruits or vegetables but when one of your parents takes the time to walk downstairs and show you a strange potato I can't not post it

Update: After a careful inspection, the potato does not appear to have prostate cancer. I'll keeping checking for cancer tho, Tom Green Style.

1/15/04

Heres a minor resolution to one of the biggest stories at smelkem.com last year. The full story can be found here. I'm happy the sign is no longer sexist, but still disagree fully with the concept.

1/14/04

One of my friends sent my a link to a few galleries, quite funny if you've got a sense of humor, or a sick fetish.....

Block Structure Porn

1/11/04

Wow the new version of photoshop (CS) won't let you scan in money, heres the error message they give you, it reportedly excludes US, the Euro, and Far East currencies.. i wonder how long before they stop letting you use Identification (what will all those companies who make ID's for novelty purposes only do?)... also what if your using a picture of money for art or something dumb like that ... part of a collage and you don't want to waste real cash.

1/11/04

Heres a hilarious voicemail one of my friends left me last night. Enjoy and incase you can't tell hes more or less pretty messed up. Listen for for the following phrases "Ohhh man" , "Composure"(spoken quickly), "toaster pastries", and the final "ummm yeah" which totally sounds like Office Space

Voicemail

You can either play it in the browser with something like quicktime or download it by "Saving Target As" and then you get it forever

1/9/04

Here area few winter pictures I've taken: most are pretty normal or include the dog doing normal dog stuff. Some highlights are the yellow snow, pace bus in the suburbs for old people, and the retro 70's boots that are comfortable and extremly useful.

Pictures

1/4/04

First post of '04 is dedicated to the creator of the new format, because hes always two steps ahead, but usually in the wrong direction .... so now that a rape case won't hold up in Colorado, all you need is a plan for the other 49 states right?

12/31/03

High school never seems to go away for me, I got to college with quite a few people and then today one of my friends stumbles upon a treasure trove of great info/ funny things. There was this really awkward girl in my HS, lets call her j.mo and he discovered her blog/blog set quite hilarious and definately worth the read ... even for the illiterate. All are the same person and all of them are worth atleast skimming thru ...

Funniest By Far, Check Pages 2 and 3

More Recent

Still Funny but Neglected

Now I'm sure many of you are saying "sure thats hilarious" but for those of you who are not and need more proof just email Pics {at} smelkem.com for a link and i'll give you a good idea of who she is .. possibly a professional composite police sketch ...

When I was in grade school we would have "J.Mo germs" where if someone touched her we started playing it based on the germs, sure it was mean but we were kids .... atleast until high school ... the jokes did not stop. Also if this were a truly friendly person, I would not make this piece but shes not shes mean to everyone ...

Heres how a few smelkem.com readers reacted

12/23/03

12/21/03

Heres to Hemant's First!

12/20/03

Heres to a roostacular year!

11/26/03

OUTRAGE!

Well I came home from school and now I'm quite outraged at a local sign in the Best Buy parking lot of my town. In a large parking lot the sign reserves nine of the closes non-handicap spaces for "Women with Children". The sign is pictured below and I have several problems with the presentation and execution of this program presumably by Best Buy Corporation.

1. The sign does not say Family Parking or Parking for persons with children. The sign clearly says Women which completely excludes men who may have children.

2. Why do people who choose to have children get special rights such as upfront parking? I agree that those who are handicapped and not physically able to reach the door in an efficient manner should be given priority but their disability is beyond their control. Having children, however, is a choice.

3. This is discrimation agaisnt those without children, they might as well give people without children a different spot on the Bus. I'm not saying a boycott of Best Buy is in order, but maybe it is, who buys Huge TV's, top of the line computers, insane stereos and excessive amounts of video games. MEN. MOSTLY LIKE THOSE WITHOUT CHILDREN!

4. Since this is one of my first times as a caucasian male to be discriminated against I have to complain; its my right!

10/28/03

Heres the Pumpkin I carved this year. I was aiming for Mr. Koolaid and got a mug with a face on it but I still love it.

10/17/03

Funny UIUC pictures

1. If you know me you know why i'm offended.

2. Arthur enjoying the Cubs loss.

3. A Random safe in one of the buildings... seems out of place.. i wonder if Edward Norton keeps his gold in it

4. Old School phonebooth

5. The light is broken but it goes on when you close the door

6. Leftover LockBoxes from Election 2000

7. 3rd floor Collection of signatures...

10/10/03

ok, this is unique and classic smelkem.com material. The below link is an Instant Message conversation submitted from a friend. The name have been censored to protect the innocent but HotChick is going to be the bitch and Bags is the guy.

Conversation

A few things are really messed up about the above;

1. Bags needs some bad and girls should not mess with nice guys, to quote Hemant they should be shot, twice.

2. Don't blue ball a guy like that not fair.

3. What kind of a bitch does this?

4. I hope she gets genital warts from being such a bitch.

If bags wants to comment i'll post his comments.

bags: "This is fucking bullshit" It must have been highly comical. In the Words of Joe Peschi... "I make you laugh, Im here to fuckin amuse you?"

9/24/03

In new perverted news, this was made known to me....quite disgusting.... you american you have big ...... sorry but this is screwed up

Link

9/23/03

Alright another day, another weird roomate thing....this was on our floor this morning... i'm not going to touch that towel which will now be known as jizzrag. That also seems like a lot of lube...atleast its surgical

9/22/03

Sad news; mr peanut was torn down, not sure if it was my roomate but I am sure hes gone for the time being as per my promise, I have no evidence that he didn't tear it down....

9/21/03

Alright, I'm kind of mad. One of my friends made the poster below and we both printed it out.... Everyone on his floor liked it and mine was up for about a week until it got torn down.... so I waited and somone said it was funny and I put it back up... and now my roomate is like girls don't like that poster.... why would a girl get offended unless she was indeed a ho or a bitch?

 

8/24/03

The day before I left for college my dad gave my a bunch of glasses, well actually most are plastic but this is by far the most interesting. He also warned me that beer will get on your shirt if your not careful about the end. Heres a pic to enjoy.

8/18/03

Below: My Ridiculously big comb that is possibly the best comb ever. A Mr. Koolaid Pitcher that the Duke claimed I did not have.

8/18/03

My apologies for the hyadis but my Mac was in the shop and I hate using my PC to update the site so I just didn't. I've got plenty of stories tho....

On Thursday August 14 I was playing with my new camera, a canon s230. We went to a restaurant and there was a small strip mall nearby. The signs were kind of funny to me atleast "Cell Phone Computer" and as we left the restuarant, I thought my friend would not give me time to take pictures so I was joggin through the parking lot snapping photos....I noticed a police car but did not think he would care.....he watched me very closely apparently and was suspicious of my activity. A few minutes later I got into my friends car and we pull out of the parking lot and boom he pulls us over. He questioned me about my activities and I couldn't explain why this quasi ghetto sign was funny.

7/23/03

Everyone remembers those precious tidbits their father passed along as they grow up.....

"You know, thats a political job"

I swear if I were to point to some grill jockey at McDonalds he would go on a rant about how that grill jockey's dad ran major Daley's re-election campaign and thats why hes got that job. Well not that extreme but his most common example has always been the people that hold the slow/stop sign at a construction site.....apparently they know or are realeted to someone important ALWAYS! Its beginning to get really old...can't wait to leave. In case your wondering the guy below makes like $30/ Hour according to my dad.....

7/21/03-

Why my family is dumb...

so its 34 days until I move out and my immediate and extended family always surprises me with their new dumb ideas.

So my dad's cousin is in Atlanta right now and the Braves are playing the Cubs. My dad's cousin has front row seats and my aunt wants me (apparently i'm the only one in our whole family that can use a VCR) to tape the game because she thinks he might be on TV. why do we need to see ourselves and those people we see everyday on TV? I'm sorry I don't see that much of the novelty. So tonight for like 3hrs I have to tape a cubs game because so and so might be on TV and its really dumb. To make it even better she doesn't know which game hes going to it might be today it might be tomorrow....

7/14/03-

Happy Birthday to his grace The Duke of Rupp!

In his honor on of his classic jokes....

7/11/03-

Smelkem.com re-launch with two new sections: music my favorite punk/pop-punk/ alternative songs and The Trip Files a section devoted to odd AIM away messages.

5/22/03-

I found this book on the computer desk, I think its my sister's, My strategy will be to ignore any warning signs....

5/6/03-

Well as I prepare for my AP Caluculus Exam, i've recovered my Good Luck Charm from my Middle School Days. Photo Below. I've got about 36 hours until the test wish me luck or send me an email Luck {at} smelkem.com. Off to read those Notes over again soo much information, so Pointless.

4/19/03-

Cool Honda Accord Ad- from SlashDot-

Its like MouseTrap Gone Wild Here

4/18/03-

Smelkem.com has learned that ectocooler flavored Hi-C still exists. This is quite exciting news and will be confirmed.

At Peapod they still list ectocooler as a flavor and post this as a picture. Apparently they no longer use the "slimer" logo but they probably stopped paying royalties and added the similar green wave character.

Looks like the official flavor is "shoutin Orange TangerGreen" the link on the minutemaid site Here.

 

 

4/17/03-

funny Picture; an ad for a Shoe company, the question is what is on her thigh?

If you come up with any answers feel free to email me jizz {at} smelkem.com

designed by stonerdan