In typical fashion, I bring you the strange, the disgusting and its an april fools prank ... my absolute favorite stories besides lego porn. So if your not in college or your not a disgusting asshole you have no idea what a pee disc is. Well a pee disc is a disc that was created by freezing urine. The idea is that since dorms have tile floors and a gap between the door and the floor you slide it in underneath late into the night and let it melt.... next morning its worse than any puppy and it smells horrid. Well my friend rick and his roommate decide to try this, no one was able to confirm whether or not it worked but wow ... that's some initiative to freeze urine, play with it and slide it under someone's door, Smelkem.com salutes you.

it ain't oj .... they were a little thick and tasted a little bitter ... wait I didn't taste them at all.


My severe depression from losing the national basketball championship is gone and I can once again write some funny things ... alright that's a crappy excuse for my absurd laziness. So today after like 2.5 weeks of a lamp with no working light bulbs I decide I must go on a journey to replace the bulbs. All the bulbs in this lamp and my other lamp went out at about the same time despite the fact that some where older than other s... that's a boring story not worth explaining.

Well I remove the bulbs and notice that they're rather dusty ... so I grab a towel and wipe out the bottom light ... just dust. Top light ... just dust. Middle light ... there's like 30 or so dead flies or nat's or whatever these little guys are. My friend Jesus, whose a entomologist, says "bug suicide, clearly a bug cult" .... hmm judge for yourself.

4/3/04 ~ Swat Final Four!

This has been a crazy weekend so I must recap - my away message was an outline for this.

1. My Fighting Illini are playing for the NCAA Division I National Championship tomorrow night. Its the 100th season of Illinois basketball and if they win they will set the single season NCAA record for wins with 38. I witnessed the one and only loss in Columbus, Ohio and have since realized that my Illin01s Shirt no longer has any luck.

2. Yo Vivo Para Esto! - Baseball starts this weekend, this isn't a sports commentary so I'm not gonna make any predictions ... I love the league, I'm rooting for the cubs as usual and I prefer to be the under dogs than the favorites.

3. My second favorite holiday is daylight savings, nothing else must be celebrated by most of America, go time change!

4. Sigma Pi was fun last night! The theme was geeks/ professors and school girls, I put on a tie and reached my goal, a random girl asked me if i was in the house. If i get a quality picture that's the new facebook photo.

5. Time for a new pope ... I'm not happy anybody died but the system doesn't exactly promote modernism. I'm hoping for another polish pope.

6. Its widely known that Digger Phelps matches his ties and highlighters .. he got his orange set out of the way today so he can wear baby blue tomorrow at least that's my estimation, remind me when I'm older that this is a pimp move ...

7. Roy Williams should lose the game because he's a loser by nature ... and he can't say "Illinois"

8. Dickie V. said the fans are "Juiced Up" but how does he know about my steroid use ....

9. My friend Jesus did stand up on Friday, it was hilarious and he was one of the few comics that made up his own material. I cracked up a few times but as soon as he finished I told him he wouldn't win ... I just knew. They stamped our hand when I was supposed to pay but I got comped ... the stamp said "A Touch of Ebony" ... WTF!

10. Looking for a W tomorrow, we're underdogs ... most of the nation expects UNC but we were number one for 15 weeks for a reason and I believe that it will rightfully be decided on the court ... pick your own clichéd line from a movie.

11. hacking beer- so friday shears took us to a phi sig party ... there were tickets for the beer like any frat party ... we had some blank ones and some that said "Miller" on the back ... so we wrote miller on the blank ones ... better than keystone light for the rest of the night ... good ol phi sigs

I only had one april fools and I'll report on it later in the week.

3/31/04 ! My Favorite Holiday !

My favorite holiday doesn't celebrate anything, it doesn't involve any drinking (it doesn't require it at least) and all it does it make fools of those around me and probably me myself. I don't have many pranks and I haven't had time to do much prep this year ... I don't even have a lame web prank like last year but I'm sure I'll go back to some old standards like my Dickie V Recorder. So I think my Dad stole it off a DiGrionio sign ... then he set it up in my room last year when I went home from break and it kept going off but it was hard to find. It was quite funny. Its basically a motion sensor that when triggered plays this sound ...

Dicky V

If I think of any hijinx, I'll post them here within due time.


So I'm from the generation that absolutely loved the Ninja Turtles, and and I know what TMNT means. SO most people dress up like the hero for halloween, superman, batman, and the good guys (leonardo, donatello, raphael, or Michelangelo) ... I did that once, it was alright. But a year later I dressed up as the villain, not quite as common. So one year I decided to dress up as Krang's Android Body. Why did I remember this ... me and my friends recently had an argument about his name and it sparked all of these memories. I have a photo of me in the custom, but I look like a little jackass so I'm rather hesitant to post that but instead for your entertainment value ... Krang ... created by my ma.

I was always impressed by my ma's work and this was no exception. I believe I actually won a creativity contest at my elementary school, but I think they give that to whatever kid they don't immediately understand what you dressed up as, the real question is if they would have sent me home if I was dressed as trench coat guy, I mean he left enough to the imagination.


I've been helping some other people with web project and have hence had less energy for my own site which is about the shittiest reason not to update but I'm gonna shoot for a banner week, something that when people are either on or adjusting back from their spring break it can easy the transition. Normally I'm not a guy who gets facial hair, and I certainly don't mind that but this week I had an appearance of some non-blond / clear facial hair, I Immediately shaved it away but if i were going to grow something, i'd probably shoot for something like this.

Do you think I could have something this grandiose by October 1, 2005 whose gonna fly me to Germany? Quags is german, maybe that's how he found this ... maybe one of the guys is his dad

World Beard Champions


This weekend me and my buddies took a roadtrip to see the Illini cap off a perfect regular season ... or that was the intention .... First stop was the University of Dayton and some partying there (to be explained later). And the final destination ( had to work this in because there was an omen calling for our death) was Columbus Ohio to watch the game at the Value City Arena. If you don't follow college basketball, the Illini were undefeated at 29-0 going into the game, and dominated OSU in our Champaign this season. We lost on a last second three by a random scrub from their bench who had a career game ... it was a tough loss but what was worse was hearing all the shit from the classless OSU fans. A few were like, you guys are still going to win the national championship ... that was kind of nice but the rest was bad. Chanting OH - I - O all the way to the parking lot and saying things like "29 and ught ohhhh."

The University of Dayton was really cool, everybody was pretty chill and we had a god time plenty of the beast. The highlight came when we went to a party on the wrong side of campus ... we tried to goto a random Pike party but it was jam packed ... so we went to a place dubbed the "dark side" no who knows why it was called the dark side, maybe the girls weren't supposed to be attractive. So one of my friends who is now Jeff "home wrecker" Bellisario basically started talking to this girl. She wasn't hot but she thought he looked like John Mayer .. which he does kind of. So they chat even more and apparently she used to goto Western Illinois and jeff's insane sports knowledge sort of seduced her (or the john mayer thing). Well irregardless, she and jeff and many of us really talked for a while, this made her boyfriend (or ex who knows?) EXTREMELY Jealous, so jealous he wanted to fight us. As I goto the bathroom I hear the girl say "Hey come talk to me" (to her BF) and her Bf ( who was a major tool bag) was like "why don't u just talk to john frickin mayer" (very Jerry Springer!) and I almost fell on the floor laughing. So yeah Jeff stole his GF and then he wanted to fight us it was hilarious. It didn't help that Jesus kept provoking the guy and trying to fight him but it was an good time ... picture to appear later ...

.. she wasn't even hot enough to steal.



I've got a really bad habit that may eventually lead to my demise. Living in a dormitory there happens to be more than enough random fire alarms/ drills. Of fire alarms that happen late at night, I would guess that I'm 2 for 7 in these last two years, now granted all of these 7 times were not fires and more likely pranks. What does 2 for 7 mean? I've gotten up twice (this was twice in one night) of seven total alarms that have gone off, which is pretty scary in retrospect. The first night of my freshman year, apparently the alarm went off twice, everybody was talking about it the next morning but I had no idea. This has happened on several occasions but last night was different. I heard my roommate leave, I heard the guy across the hall yell, if you don't leave its gonna cost you $1000 ..... now in my drunken stupor, I thought to myself, how long is it gonna take to check and open 400 locked rooms? Maybe half an hour with a highly trained swat team who are used to that, but a bunch of scrub RA's who are just as tired as the students they'd be searching for, it would probably take an hour plus (consider there are limited numbers of "master keys" that can open every door, its not like each RA can always randomly go into your room), and at 3:15 in the morning, it would be irresponsible to keep kids outside for an hour in the middle February (surprisingly nice however) in the middle of the night. So no, I didn't think it was a real fire, and I made a semi-conscientious choice to stay in my warm bed and listen to the alarm clock sound, but I have to think that one of these days my luck will run out and it will be a real fire or something, towels under the door and out the window right?

Defying death one fire alarm at a time ...


So in a bathroom that I rarely use, someone posted signs from the following website, jeffgoldblumiswatchingyoupoop, if you're really interested in seeing or having Jeff Goldblum watch you poop then check out their site. I saw the sign and I thought Hey, I've got a creepy friend Jeff, and then hey i've got some funny picture of him, so why not make an alternate sign for the other wall of the bathroom. Jeff Bellisario is watching you puke! These are going to be put up tonight before / as people leave to go out in hopes of gauging a hilarious drunk reaction.


Some of my favorite childhood toys were legos, i've mentioned here before, hell I even brought you several galleries in which they were given genitalia and put into compromising positions. One of my favorite current toys is my iPod ... what happens when you fuse the two together? Its called PodBrix

They're made from this guy at www.podbrix.com, I'm not gonna buy one, but I would accept it as a gift. The following link is pictures that were forwarded to me, by my Mom of all people. Its from one of those stupid chain letters but it actually creeped me out more than impressed me. I mean who really takes the time to build a whole chapel full of plastic worshippers, even I'm not that screwed up ....

Lego Church


So I did a vanity search the other day on my brand, smelkem. A vanity search is when you plug your name in a search engine and read about stuff you're probably involved with if you have a unique term like smelkem. Now granted most things that come up are things that are related to me or my geeky ways, nothing that's worth reading or overly hilarious tho. I used dogpile.com and got some pretty funny results, some I can explain others not so much ....

I have no idea why I was at the Low Budgets (a band) 's web site or why I added my link to their "sausage links" but I'm responsible for this one although deep down I regret whoring out my link ... or do I

What language is this, as far as I know Smelkem was created by myself and stonerdan. Its an acronym for something, I refuse to disclose what but we didn't steal it from any goody languages but I could go for some nesetkal ... unless that means male genitalia then I'm out.

Yeah, so you may remember last year's april fools joke, I only know one person who was legitimately excited about it, Kyle G Pott. It wasn't my best or worst April Fools but now Smelkem has become a synonym for smashed, smart, smokes, smugmug, sneak, slip, and my personal favorite, because I'm damn slutty ... or am I.

Alright now this one is pretty much the same EXCEPT it says smurf and reminds me of one of my favorite family guy tangents ... which is consistently my away message.

So yeah, only of these entries has anything to do with me ... well I caused two of them but that's because spiders that crawl the internet for this stuff are oversensitive. A few notes for the weekend and things I'm sure you're already aware of. Watch American Dad, its from Seth Mcfarlane, the creator of Family Guy and I think it will be reasonably funny. The Family Guy is coming back at the beginning of may, just as I predicted, except this time it has millions of fans as opposed to the hundreds of its first run. One final thing, IlliNo1s Basketball!


So yesterday I was shopping for a Career and naturally the first place you goto do that is the Career Fair. The fair was pretty interesting and an excellent learning experience. The highlight had to be talking to the guy from Kraft. Kraft seems like a good company to work for and everything but as I was ready to move onto the next company, I notice three brand new packages of these actions figures ...

Me: "So I've got to ask, what's the deal with Gumby and Pokey" ( I was expecting some weird tie-in the way slimer used to have ecto-cooler .... check the archives for slimer photos from way back when.

Recruiter: "Some guy just had them and thought we should give them out, do you want one?"

Me: "Yes I do, thank you"

So even if I don't get a career from the career fair, I got a cool new good luck charm and some bendable toys which have already been contorted into awkward sexual positions, gumby is the "butch" character right ... maybe i'll have some of the more deviant photos ...


I also want to note that a good computer repair person is like a good mechanic, you can call them up and give them enough information to diagnose a problem over the phone, hopefully my powerbook is back in full swing and better than ever.


Having a broken computer is not cool, It also makes it very difficult to update any projects. When my computer gets all the way fixed, updates will be more lavish, until then, simple is king.

KYLE G POTT submitted two links, both of which are moderately hilarious, take a look.

Probably fake but kittens in jars, what's next, babies?

Nothing but Net!


-Phase II is well in process, new photos in project jesus.


-First Full Calendar Year of Smelkem.com

Whether it was legos having sex or the rotting garbage in my room, 2004 was pretty entertaining. I bonged a coke because everybody says it wasn't possible, I'm still awaiting my next challenge on that front. I got addicted to and spread the joy of two difficult puzzles that required an insane amount of time and intricacy to finally solve. I continued my obsession with cartoon characters from my childhood like the Great Gazoo, Blockheads (from Gumby) and others. T-shirts with funny phrases got funnier than to the people at Busted Tees and Abercrombie .... they're all of that variety where they get less funny each time you see them. Family Guy decided to return on DVD sales, can't wait for the new episodes this summer, or maybe fox will tease us during sweeps in May. I lost a fingernail, and created the best Punk of freshman year, aka VodkaShears. We snuck a keg into the dorms and I posted all the photos I took. I got bitched out for a certain piece on smelkem.com .... who doesn't love an online thrashing. I had half a day of jury duty, and I voted, your welcome america. I wore cowboy hats all summer ... wait no I didn't. I went on a road trip to Kentucky and posted a whole bunch of crazy crap on the web site over the summer. Best viewer ship of the year relates to the summer for two reasons, people are bored and I was putting up much more stuff. I'll have to try harder in the spring.

- Thanks for everybody who reads smelkem.com, i appreciate it when people my stupid stuff. I'm always taking suggestions for links and crazy stuff to appear here smelkem &at& smelkem.com. if you have a crazy link or anything for me to post I'll be sure to take a look. Or if you have a new feature idea, always looking for something new.

Happy New Year from the team at Smelkem.com.


- So one of my winter break projects has been phase II of project jesus, if you recall project jesus was a table I created over the summer. This winter I repaired some of the light damage done in the fall and created new legs for drinking games and cards. click here to look at the project journal.

- I sold a couple of things on eBay last week and made a few trips to the post office, surprisingly pain free the week before christmas.

- I'm currently on a search for the following item. I would love to have one and I'm accepting donations. I used to have one in my football themed room back in the good old days and think it would make for a great conversation piece to say the least. So if you find one or have one buy it for me!

-Perhaps a clichéd year recap and more project jesus photos tomorrow.



So one of the things I'm getting for Christmas is a sweet new NFL blanket. Now I'm not talking about some weird thing with all the teams on it. Being home from school I needed some sheets while I washed my regular ones, I rifle through the closet and find my NFL ones from when I was like two years old, so I ask my ma if she can make it into a blanket, of course she says yes. This is oh so retro and its gonna be quality. The sheets are so old that they don't have many teams on them, and the colors aren't really perfect, i mean the bears helmet has cubs colors but its probably the process of fading over many many years and non licensed. Either way I'm pumped, the teams on my blanket, BEARS, skins, steelers, pats, bengals, eagles, cowboys, falcons, 49ers, dolphins, rams, jets, broncos, lions, and that's all I can find.



Everyone who's a serious christian always says hey never forget that christmas is all about and started with jesus. well they can no longer say that with the new fun game. I hit all the big ones with this design, the grinch, frosty, rudolph and most importantly JESUS.

Dress Up!

Thanks to Hemant for the link, don't bother complaining about him to your god though, he doesn't believe in such things.

12/3/04 ~ laziness is my mistress

- Here's a cool transformers style link for ya, Optimus Prime is jewish? If i ever purchase a car like that I'm gonna have to have a very original name for it, currently taking suggestion

- Today we're doing the experiment from OhMyGodItBurns, results to follow tomorrow and maybe some photos. The question is what will I spill in Jeff's room tonight ....?

- Acoustic Lucky Boys Confusion show this weekend, I'm pumped.

- For future reference GMJ's = George Michael Jeans, they're really light denim, see photo below, lets just say I know a certain person who seems to really love his pair.

- I don't like when people make guest stars on a show they used to be on and they left to develop their career, clearly their careers kind of failed if they have time to come back and do a couple shows.


I got this the other day, I had no idea they made RED PEARS, its slightly larger than a regular pear and not as delicious. Overall stick with the traditional color/size.

11/1/04 ~ Halloween in Review

This halloween brought a number of creative costumes ... and lots of guys dressed up like girls, why is that such a popular costume ?

1. Guy in trench coat with fake cock ... so this guy had a typical flasher full boy trench coat and a very long / leg sized envisaging slightly above the ground, pretty funny ...

2. Anti Bush Costumes ... I didn't actually see these but they're pretty funny ... Nancy Reagan

3. Fake Lohan, keeping with the theme there was a fake lohan out, at first we thought it was a guy dressed as lohan, but then we noticed that the legs were shaved .... wow ... and she had a thing for tucker carlson.

4. Costumes that I have no idea what your are an I don't really care enough to ask ... if a drunk person can't identify your costume then its dumb or too clever ...

5. Slutty ________ , this is by far the best costume of the year for the ladies .... they take anything from schoolgirl to police officer to nurse ... bunny to cowgirl, you know what I'm saying ....


This weekend due to the continuing poor performance of our football team, my friends and I put on bags for our homecoming football game. We each made shirts, made shirts, two 'Fire Turner' and one 'Jeff Sucks'.


10/21/04 ~ Shake out your anger ...

Are you ever feeling angry at school, the world, your life, your family or anyone really .... well take it out on a random baby ..... I should warn you this is pretty sick even for me, but at the end there are some stats about child abuse and what not.

Shake it like a salt shaka

Thanks to Brian Shears, baby killer, for this one. The real question is does the virtual baby stop loving you.

10/19/04 ~ VOTE!

We'll I've just completed my civic duty and my ballot will be in the mail tomorrow. I have to wonder about its importance though, I mean the race has to be pretty close for them to even count my ballot ... and I don't expect this race to come down to many wires. Hermes a picture of my Styrofoam and little steel dealie, oh yeah and the warning not to let anyone else vote for you .... I knew it was a bad idea to hand my ballot off to the campus' green party... If you can decipher this your more than welcome to know my political orientation. I also have a question, do you think the little voting tool would be a weapon in prison?

-About a week after my piece about away messages, collegehumor did a much better piece with graphics and everything. I should also note there are fewer hilarious things in my room to photograph this year .... dam nit.

10/12/04 -Rants and Tidbits

-Snooze has now made it to my archenemy list, and even for me that is a very short list, I WILL CRUSH YOU SNOOZE!

-Lack of content is due to laziness, I will bring you funny things soon, today is more of a bitching day.

-Make fun of my umbrella if you must, but the bottom line is that its so massive, that its effective.

- Today my day started off with Accounting at 8:30 as it does every tuesday and thursday. Last thursday we had our first exam. I knew my grade and I wasn't particularly pleased with it but I wasn't gonna start crying out it. I thought the TEST WAS FAIR and I probably needed more preparation to get a better grade than I received.

Well this lecture has about 400 people lets say ... and usually only 75-100 come to lecture so the lectures tend to fly by. I do my best to get there and absorb as much as I can early in the morning but I love the pace of the lectures because its like BAM BAM leave. Well today like 250 people showed up to bitch about the exam, the average was a 65.8%. I did better than the average sure, but I definitely didn't ace the test or anything close. Sure that's a pretty low average but no instructor is ever , EVER required to curve any exam, and you should never expect them to do so. Its typically your fuck up not theirs. So what would have been a 45 min lecture today, took 1h15min because people bitched about the grades, he told an irrelevant story about back when he was a student, and everyone badgered him with questions about simple subtraction .... Yeah i'm pissed because they wasted my time, and come on most of you don't usually attend lecture so bitch via email or go to office hours, dumb sluts.

- Matters of fantasy football, I lead my opponent by 16 points with Ahman Green left to play on Monday Night, well my opponent had Favre and the Packer's TE Franks. Needless to say Ahman fumbled, didn't get more than 35 yards and both of favre's TDs for the night went to franks, FUCKING PACKERS.

- I took a photo of this because well Jeff got a drinking ticket last year, yet he drank roughly half less than his roommate, and he put that little heart.


Remember the good ol' times. The theme for this week is , "Pokey sticks ARE Illinois."

You may wonder why this is the theme. It goes back to the days when I used to live with DH. We came back one night, and it was a friday night, so we we're all good and drunk, as was the trend at the time. My roommate, DH, was wandering around the halls trying to get someone to go in on an order of pokey sticks with him. He was an obnoxious drunk, so he kept on asking despite the fact that everyone was trying to ignore him. So he keeps asking, and this kid in a Wisconsin hat comes up. He starts talking with us and my roommate comes up again, and the guy in the Wisconsin hat starts talking shit. Now for my best recollection of the conversation:

WiscGuy : "DUDE, nobody wants your fucking pokey sticks"

DH: "Fuck you, Who wants pokey sticks?"

WiscGuy: "NOBODY get the fuck out of here, Wisconsin will kick your ass tomorrow" (Our football team was set to play Wisconsin and is set to play again, coincidentally enough, the Cubs clinched a playoff berth during that game and I'm hoping for the same this year)

DH: " Hey fuck you, POKEY STICKS ARE ILLINOIS" as my roommate screams this he tries to point to the words illinois on his cap, and its just a drunken mess.

They start having general fighting terms, a bit of shoving , no big punches thrown. The WiscGuy walks away kind of, and then it starts up again with the intervention of FatGraham.

FatGraham: "Dude, DH, he said he fucked your sister, and your family"

DH: " What did he say about my family"

WiscGuy is still around and they kind of start to fight again. Eventually WiscGuy leaves and my roommate keeps yelling "POKEY STICK ARE ILLINOIS" as he exits .... it was a great night.

For reading this story you get a super special bonus. You get to look at one of DH's items, no I do not know what he used it for.


I alluded to this late last week in an away message, but I have a general complaint. YOUR AWAY MESSAGES SUCK.

A good away message is a tough thing, it needs to do like 100 different things and be concise. First if your doing something out of the ordinary, say it. Like "Going to Rape Class", or "Trying to commit genocide in some part of the world." If your not doing something interesting and out of the ordinary, then your goal should be to entertain. Putting a long quote from a song is dumb, usually you're the only person who likes that song. And fine put a concise line or two from the song, that's cool, but don't give me the whole chorus + 10 lines. The same goes for movie quotes. Now if your running a dialog it better be damn funny.

this is why I have to put up lings like "insert generic music lyric that doesn't really describe my day"

in the end, i love the art of a god away message. My message is to improve your crap.


A few weird things to note,

- One of my friends, a med school student named hem ant, had a very

strange link in his away message, I found it hilarious. Its probably better drunk. Senior Pictures


This is the official 9/11 post ... since everywhere else is showing respect, I'll leave the job to them.

Professor Dan came up with a graph to describe the relationship of Fun vs. Drunkenness. Things of note:

1. Funness hits a peak, and no matter how much alcohol you have ... its probably going to get worse not better.

2. The 6-8 drink level is where girls become prettier, once you hit the decline they become even prettier but this is often negative (SHEARS!).

3. The graph starts at two, because your usually having fun when you start drinking.

4. A"drink" is defined as "an alcoholic beverage in amount proportional to the individual's alcohol tolerance." For an alcoholic that might mean a whole bottle of schnapps, but for a 105lb girl that means half of a beer or wine cooler. Levels will change from person to person.

(click graph to see full version)

One final note, my roomate has nine towels, like full body post shower towels. All of which make an appearance in his regular laundry cycle (i'd guess one to one and a half weeks). To me this seems a bit excessive... but atleast he doesn't let them get smelly like DH.


So I had this interview this evening and as I was walking home I made a move to cross the street .... I thought it was clear, but there was a car pretty close, it was a squad car. The cop yells out of the car, "wait for me at the corner." I hung up my phone and waited for him with my friend Eric. He lectured us about how some girl had been hit by a drunk driver and died last year .... I was very tempted to say "Yeah jackass I read the news" but I refrained. And he just said we we're lucky he was paying attention otherwise we'd be on his hood. Then he asked where we had been, we answered, and he said "Had any drinks tonight?", it was like 8:15 pm on a wednesday ... WTF. I said no, as did my friend and then he asked for ID. I handed him my ID and he said "Can I give you a breathalyzer?" We said sure because I haven't had a drink in a few days, then he said no never mind, and I ended with my classic It won't happen again.

This leads me to my next point, if the officer had hit me, sure I wasn't looking closely enough, and on my phone BUT drives are supposed to be aware of pedestrians and yield to pedestrians at intersections. I wasn't even jay walking, irregardless its over and dumb, and thank god I wasn't drunk for this one.


Following trends of the internet, I have 8 gmail invites to give away to people who desire them. If you don't know what gmail is then obviously you don't need one. I will hope that each person takes one and this is their first one. Email requests for one to gmail *at* smelkem *dot* com. If you send me more than one email your not getting an invite.


A few things I've noticed since returning to my school:

- The first weeks of school everyone thinks they're a badass. I've noticed this at several points but one of my friends pointed it out to me and I began to connect the dots. Whether its the frat guy lying about his party being full and trying to bounce us until we got them to verify our invite, or the jackasses in the lunch room. They all take this invisible power like hey everyone should listen to me, yeah right. Now this person shouldn't be confused with the perennial shit talker like me. Sure if I see a gaggle of freshman I start commenting about it, but what the hell, they need a little sign " Freshman Crossing" and god forbid they get seperated, they have to run back together. This whole gaggle of freshman badasses thing even causes more problems, because now they've got this crew of ten guys who are all experimenting with alcohol for the very first times. My message chill the fuck out, life is entirely too short to get all worked up about some party or a line.

- Don't spill water on your printer, its a costly error, and it smelled like burning when I tried to turn it on.

- Best Buy is terrible, I refuse to spend money there anymore, they now have an express line for Parents with Children, WTF. If I ever go there to buy something I'm gonna go up to the line and check out and be like " My kid's in the can, ring it up" or "My kid is outside warming up the car". I sure I'm very much over sensitive to this issue, but still Circuit City doesn't pull that shit and everything is cheaper online anyway .

- According to Jeff, you know a class is easy when you spot starting basketball players like James Augustine attending your lecture.

8/27/04 ~ Very Busy Week

Typically I do my best to write things up before they hit the internet at large or the late night talk shows .... but this doesn't mean I always have that capability, which is why everyone needs to be finding the humor in random news pieces. A jaw in some guy's back, twin towers toy, and a new abercrombie shirt "West Virginia : No lifeguard on duty at the gene pool." So yeah the news can be pretty funny when you need a good laugh.

And in conclusion, a few small updates:

-To officialy close the first annual contest at smelkem.com there was no winner but the correct answer was "It was a design on my shirt that I had to wear to work, and my attire for a Jimmy Buffett concert." Better luck next year to everyone.

- Project Jesus has been in fulltime use and has worked out excellently, I've even gotten compliments and questions like, "Where did you buy that?" So its freaking great.


Smelkem.com is having its first annual contest, guess where the following image comes from and win a fabulous prize, by fabulous prize I mean the honor of being the winner and nothing more.


Well I've finally found a guy who has more time on his hands than me. The John Candy one caught my attention, but this is one of the ones I found funny, It goes along with stonerdan's policy to make Skateboarding a Crime.

All provided from here.


It's 8:41 AM, and I have the day off from work, but I'm awake. There is a special reason, something that has sporadically bothered me for the last five years or so. Whenever I sleep with my windows open, I can hear my neighbors yelling at their dogs.


I mean how can a dog be an a-hole? And why is this necessary so early in the morning. The odd thing is that they stay up really late, like two or three AM yelling at the dogs, and then are up the next day around 8AM yelling at the dogs again. Now the dogs are a seperate issue, there are like 5-10 of them and they work under a chain reaction type situation. If one starts going crazy, they all start barking and yelping. That is a minor annoyance, but I could deal with it if they didn't start screaming at the dogs. So the bottom line is calm down, maybe sleep in and leave the dogs for a day.


Here's a tribute to the unsung hero of any rain delay, the guy who runs out onto the tarp and slides a few times. I went to a cubs game on August 12, and the game lasted for about five and a half hours, with 11 innings and two rain delays, and it was damn cold for august. During the second rain delay a guy got onto the field, right past the security guard, and he got two good slides in one near the mound and one of the second base area, he got some good speed and it was an impressive run. Now of course personnel we're out there as fast as possible and dragged him off the tarp, but I salute you sir. Sure you were probably drunk, you got arrested, and you'll probably face a huge fine and lifetime ban from wrigley ... but your my unsung hero of the day. Even when there we're five to six security guards around you, you never complied enough to walk off the field, no you pulled a ghandi, DEAD WEIGHT!

In other news, today I made a trip to the mall with my friend Stoner Dan, and we walked through an American Eagle. They're currently running a promotion where they will iron on words to the back of your hoodie, or thats how it appeared. Well StonerDan openly wondered if there was a list of words they would not iron on .... yeah i laughed pretty hard thinking of all the things I would put on my hoodie. and what about words that look like swear words but aren't really like A55MAN!


There are only a few things in my life that are certain. Two things that I have learned along the way; Everyone is a good driver, and everyone has a sense of humor. Now you may be wondering what I mean by these two facts, if i were to ask most people if they have a sense of humor, nearly everyone would say yes. The same goes for driving. But wait if everyone is a good driver, then why do we need traffic cops, traffic court, stoplights, and why do we have accidents ... wait the simple answer is that most people, myself included, are probably not "good" drivers, we're average or lucky. The same goes with sense of humor, I can guarantee you from some of the hate I've recevied over the years that everyone DOES NOT have a sense of humor. I mean wasn't the can pretty funny?

This leads me to my next point, the following guy is a good driver, or atleast a good parker. He always parks his RV like this and has for years, the best part is that I don't think he goes on his grass. I've checked the snow in the winter , and I have not seen tire tracks. An before you ask I can't prove that the Road Rules kid are not inside. Either way I have always found this very entertaining, enjoy ....

One additional note, I made an adventure over to the local kmart and instead of the traditional Blue Light Special instead "Attention: do not play with the frisbees inside of the store."

8/6/04 ~ I'm the king of karaoke

-Well tonight there was a party at the pool where I work. It was like 72 degrees, so I can't say the pool was packed. Well there was supposed to be karaoke at the party, and there was supposed to be a kid who knew how to work the equipment to come in and work the party, well he never showed up. So I set up all the karaoke equipment and then suddenly I was in charge of it. I figured out most of the equipment, its not much more complicated than a regular home stereo, but I don't quite have a microphone voice/ personality. Its not that i'm that shy, or quiet, or afraid, just a personal preference. Well I played some music and then the little kids show up. Anybody who knows me, can infer my preference to children, its not favorable for the most part.

-This brings me to my next point , if I ever run a prison in a foreign country, I'm not going to sexually abuse them or physically abuse them, I'm just going to play tapes of little kids trying to sing karaoke. The little kids don't even have to be in the prisons, just a tape. Yeah I would have people apologizing ,and giving up their terrorist plans, it would be great. But let me tell you, it is torture. Mean while people are snapping photos and its just generally a bad environment, but I smiled and just pretended to enjoy it. I put away all the karaoke equipment, and ended my eleven and a half hour day. This karma coming to get me, maybe its mean things I say, think or publish to this website but, karma came and got me tonight.


The next big project at smelkem.com will use the following materials: one large piece of cardboard.

What will it be for? You'll see in less than a month, I'll post the final pictures as they become available. I will give you three hints, its not a generic floorstand, or a cardboard box, and it doesn't involved (9630 or 0E96).

8/3/04 ~ Welcome to the Gun Show! (aka the last hurrah of Shears)

Well here's my recap of the weekend I spent in Louisville Kentucky with my friends Jesus of Kentucky (not Nazareth), Jeff, and Shears.

-I'm not compatible with weather in the south, it was humid, and muggy, sort of like being in a steam room all day.

-Every great event has a soundtrack, the day began with the shears NINTECHNO remix, which he labeled (unintended remixes). It also attempted to close the trip but failed, latroy style. Shears is much like my little sister, he's got like 50 songs on 15 different mixes, trust me there is repetition. There was also lots of Staind and Linkin Park, my passive aggressive externalized sociopathic anger is through the roof and I'm still riding the high.

-You know that kid in gym class who always did the little extra hop when he caught a ball or something else to show off .. well this was applied to both Nomar's Cub's Debut and shears' general attitude for the weekend. He won an eating contest against me (not an easy feat, but i can't say I was trying).

- It was a crazy game of poker. I was dealt pocket dueces in hold'em. I paid to see the Flop, and it flopped A, 2, 4. And they we're all black, two were spades so a flush draw was quite possible, I was also shaken because one of the kids at the table had exclaimed "I've got 3,5" . Normally I would have bet against the kid but two hands earlier he had done the same thing and he actually had the cards he said, so that scared me. I'm thinking alright the flush beats my three of a kind, and so does the straight, so I fold my three of a kind. Fourth street comes down and its a a spade, so three spades on the board. I sigh in relief because it feels like I made the right move and then, BOOM, a 2 on fifth street. I FOLDED four of a kind, i guess its true you always remember your stunning defeats, even thought I only got defeated by luck. Yeah I didn't get many cards after that and I only made like a dollar from bluffing this kid who just learned how to play.

- One of my friends, Shears, thinks he's spiderman, hence he was slinging things all weekend, SssssssssS. If anyone knows a good shrink for kids who think they're superhero's let me know.

-The Louisville Slugger Museum was pretty cool, and I used my mini bat to realizing the back of Jeff's knee, he was due for an adjustment. I still want to tour the mini bat factory powereized by midgets.

-Triple A baseball kind of sucks, I mean I think it would be cooler if you were involved with the players, like in a high school setting, or they played with excellent talent, but for the most part AAA has none of that so its scrubs playing scrubs and making errors. Still fun atmosphere tho, except for the crowd next to us. We sat next to that guy, the one who makes his own nicknames for players, nearly catches every foul ball, and hails down the beer guy several times per game. "Backwards K, that's the worst kind of K" , that ones gonna live on, along with fagba.

-On Sunday at dinner, jeff noticed that shears shirt was considerably smaller than then he had remembered and he asked "what's with the short sleeves" , shears responded with "it shrunk in the washer" and jeff came back with " oh well welcome to the gun show" and i honestly never laughed so hard. It was great, and I laughed about it all the way home (literally).

-I also blame jeff for purdue not being cool and denying three college age males the pleasure of Triple XXX.

And thus ends my recap of my only vacation this summer. Thanks again to the Dowell family for having us, If you ever want a tour of the suburbs lemme know, we can work something out.


Well, today the Chicago Tribune gave Harold and Kumar three stars and made frequent comparisons to Office Space, so I'm going.



Today's addition is one of my own person masterpieces, your going to see it and be like, those look like they're from a restaurant, but wait, just the grill in my back yard. Oh yeah, and they were mighty delicious. I took a quick photo for you all. On a side note Smelkem.com is approaching record monthly viewer ship, thanks to everyone who visits regularly, keep it up and show your friends.

update: for the story below the rest of the media (I saw it on drudge) picked up on the shirt the next day and Richard Roeper wrote an article mentioning it , my favorite of his jokes

"And we all know how important it is to feel soft and comfortable when you're wearing a T-shirt designed to make everyone else feel terribly uncomfortable."

Full Article


Well if everything works out tomorrow i'll be going to the Cubs @ Brewers game and I had a tough time deciding what to wear but I finally went with my brand new t-shirt from Planned Parenthood.

My primary concern is why does the shirt have to be a crimson red, almost a blood like color. Either way as an american male, i'll will indicate that I have indeed had an abortion despite physical impossibilities and not in a humorous manner.

7/23/04 ~ ridiculous text ads

well in the process of commenting on someone's blog last week, i noticed the following strange google ad, i had a good laugh and made a screen capture.

but back to blogs in general, a year and a half ago I would have had to explain what a blog was to the average person, but now its common place. It seems to me the best blogs are the ones where someone tells a story or expresses an original idea, not just general bitching about summer being lame, or how their parents are like totally uncool. original content is hard to come by. those who can produce it without reprinting a whole song are truly understanding the spirit of interesting internet content. The more customization put into a blog also shows when a person really cares about the presentation of their thoughts.


well today was an exciting adventure in cavil service. I was summoned to serve jury duty today and had to arrive at 9am. I left my home around 8:20, which was the second earliest day I have gotten up all summer , or all year really.

-On my way there, a guy was running along the side of the road in jeans, and a doo-rag. I would doubt he was working out, because he was wearing the baggy jeans ... so was he running from something, or practicing running from something?

-Central Park Avenue in Markham is not as glamorous as it might sound, its right next to Country Club Hills.

-Fun game: while waiting to go through the metal detector, I tried to guess if the people in line were going into court or going into a jury room. indicators included people in suits vs. old man in their vacation wear.

- They paid $17.20 / day ... I made $17.25 in tips yesterday, that's in addition to my wages. I honestly think I would much rather be working.

- For a room designed to have people sit in, the seats could have been more comfortable.

- In the jury room everyone is an intellectual. I mean i've never seen so many adults reading in a small place, not even in a library. Which leads me to the theory that jury service secretly powers the book industry. I finished 2/3 of my sister's copy of the Great Gatsby, old sport.

- I sat in the "Quiet Room" , which was VERY similar to high school's study hall. The whole experience was very much like high school. some people couldn't stay off their cell phone for a few hours, others slept (loudly), and some tried to hook up like it was a club. There was also a plethora of bad highlights, lots of fake blondes ... very high school. People were smoking in the bathroom too.

-Paulie Shore's "Jury Duty" is nothing like actual jury duty.

- The rules specifically prohibited alcohol, and gambling, so naturally that ruined my plans at 9am in the morning. Strip poker and miller lite could have passed the time much better.

- So the room had a Pepsi machine, do you think the circuit courthouse got a new scoreboard donated because they promoted pepsi products?

- The most calming part of the day came at 9:30 when they played a video on how to be a juror, it began with the head judge ( who looked like a character from fat albert) there and then moved to a generic video featuring .. LESTER HOLT ... definitely the highlight of jury service. He walked us all through how to determine the fate of someone for the rest of their life.

-At noon after no one had been called, they dismissed us all, gave me the phat check and I was on my way to blow it all on something cheap.

7/16/04~ day5

well today's addition is a jello jiggler mold .... JELLOBEANS , the thing about these is that its hard to pour them into those little spots and then they will be flat on the top. The only reason I use them is so that I can jellify some date rape drugs in them ... well not really (wink).

7/15/04 ~ STIFARM DAY 4

Today addition is something every good catholic family needs, a large family bible suitable for conducting a mass. I mean you never know when you'll need to give an emergency reading and then boom, you've a copy suitable for sitting upon that little podium. Or if you need to give a sworn oath .... or testify before a grand jury.

7/14/04 ~ STIFARM DAY 3

well all remember TMNT, the teenage mutant ninja turtles leonardo, donatello, raphael, and michelangelo, and of course shredder. Well today's discovery is a few childhood relics, a collection of four TMNT bowls, hell i could eat four meals from these and have fun at the same time.

7/13/04~ Again today, double bonus round

In honor of the introduction of the new STIFARM section on smelkem.com i'll be adding a new item everyday this week, so check back regularly to be entertained.

Now you may be saying, " I have these in my house, they go on the top of a water bottle, screw you SMELKEM, that's not cool". Well do you have a whole bag of identical and unused ones .... i think not. What are they for? nobody knows but they will soon return back to the basement.


I don't usually post pictures of things that are currently for sale but I found this T-shirt very entertaining for all those people who are cool like the fonz and feel the need to pop their collar.

Courtesy of BustedTees.com


Today is a historical event, a new feature coming to smelkem.com, its called strange things i find around my home (STIFARM). They may be cool things, or they may be really out there and you'll fear for your life. this feature will last through the summer because well there are less strange things around the dorm, other than a pube tray, and my roommate's lube.

the first item is a Budweiser Beer Stein, which my dad claims is from the introduction of bud light, or around that time ... notice the table its on .. oh yeah



Well this is a package of fruit snacks, but i'm not sure what this is supposed to be on the cover, sorry for the glare but i'm lazy.


well its time for a transformation, i'm going to make myself into the american cowboy, this means a few things, a better tan, talking slower, less hatred of horses (no that will never stop), less hygiene (more odor), new accessories, and a new attitude.

after digging through my house I came across my first necessity, the hat. I've got three options, a nicer hat that's suede in the back, a cheaper straw one on the left that's comfy and lightweight, and a big almost ten gallon one on the right, i'm gonna play it by situation.


Moving Day! Well as I was cleaning up the site, moving stuff to the classic section i realized that I no longer feel like working with the music and trip files so they're gone. They will always be a part of smelkem.com history, but i'm a really lazy person and have enough trouble finding good content for the main page.


enter dream-

i'm kind of asleep, the tv is still on and i hear my phone ring, i get up to answer it and its my good friend dan, he tells me some story about this drunk jackass that nearly hit him twice and then got pulled over at the next corner, and he saw the guy get arrested .... it was an entertaining story and i chuckled and literally fell back down into my bed

-exit dream

this isn't a shears blog, where i'm trying to convey a point, the simple fact is that in the morning I checked my phone and boom, i had actually gotten up and talked to my friend .... very strange because i was sure it was all a dream ... i love my friends

6/22/04~ jury duty

well its official and I've been summoned to the justice squad.. july 19 ... this is gonna be such a long day, 9 - 4:30, that means i have to wake up before my usual 9:30 work day wake up time.... such a dilemma ... i also want to note its in markham ... shears and jeff could drop me off there, oh wait they won't because its not gated ... and shears called it "shady"


another day another creepy link. Here's the top 10 worst album covers ever. The most creepy to me has to be the McKeithens.

Top 10

6/7/04 ~ wood woods

well two weeks ago I cleaned off my golf clubs in case I randomly got the urge to go golfing this summer. while cleaning my drivers I remembered all the good times i've had with these clubs. they are handed down from my dad and i think they were his first set of clubs. they are really old but free to me. well i've also taken my share of crap from other people because the drivers are made of wood, enjoy.


phase i of projectjesus is now complete check it out. more phases to follow in accordance with my ambition.


5/20/04 ~ this is kind of weird

when i saw the new iraqi prisoner abuse photos they reminded me of the year, which i guess is sort of sick, but you'll see what I mean.

5/12/04 ~ Pictures are here

We Love Lucy!

5/12/04 ~ the last day of freshman year

and we did what some called impossible, we snuck a keg into the dorms. i'll be taking quite a few pictures soon to be posted; Here's a taste:

5/7/04 Peanut butter on the side?

Ok so recently i've noticed a huge influx in people using peanut butter like ketchup or a standard condiment, which it is not.

  • The kid next door makes sandwiches with just peanut butter, if he can he toasts the bread, making something that has a similar consistency to diarrhea
  • The other person who lives in my room puts it on tostados chips
  • I saw someone at lunch dipping it in their carrots
  • Mountain Dew girl puts it on her ice cream

So what am I missing? Its not a great flavor or a great consistency. I don't care and I hope people enjoy it , but its not a barbeque sauce, not even equivalent to a ranch dressing. so my message today is what the fuck, peanut butter is for pb&j's and for sitting in the closet waiting to be used ... sometimes feeding medicine to a dog ...

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